He sits on the porch, his cheek puffy with tobacco, his rheumy eyes ringed with the same shade of brown that brands his overalls.
They think he has sat down to die.
He spits.
They think he forgot about the drums.
His brother’s arms used to move like dragonfly wings above the skins, so fast that all you were gifted was the beat; the technique dressed, hidden.
The shadow of that tall boy, his sister’s child, comes pass pregnant with the drums.
He spits.
His foot comes up like a fence. “You can’t have what doesn’t belong to you.”
(Written as part of the 100 word challenge posted by Velvet Verbosity. This week’s word was “overall.”)
I never have the proper vocabulary to critique writing (I was a science major) and when I read something like this, I really lament that fact. So forgive my clumsy words. It’s poetic for sure, and so much so that I had to read it twice before I grasped the meaning, and saw the whole scene.
It makes me wonder what happened to the brother, why he wants to protect his memory, what the tension is between him and the nephew?
Haunting and raw.
The visual imagery here is poetic… arms moving like dragonfly wings, his foot going up like a fence. Wonderful.
I am a writer, but I also don’t have the vocabulary to critique this piece.
It doesn’t need critique, in my opinion. It’s a beautiful piece of poignant, poetic prose.
With an economy of words, you took the simple word “overall” and wrote a story that hints at complexity.
Thanks for the lovely comments. I’m truly blushing. I think a lot of people take older people for granted; see them as living attics that they can rummage through and take what they want. I’ve encountered many older people that beg to differ; who say, “my life, my memories are not gifts to your entitlement.”
Yes, that’s interesting, isn’t it? I was guilty of that myself once. After I moved out from my parents’ and would come back to pick up various things I had stored there, I would see something in the attic or basement or storage rooms, and feel somehow entitled to pick through, and was truly taken aback when my father put me in my place about it. I didn’t take anything without asking, but I still held the presumption that when I did ask it would be, “of course, we haven’t used that old thing in years”, but my father had different ideas. His stuff.
Wow, I am glad I was not the only one.
For a moment, I was going to avoid commenting
as I did not quite understand but
after what I have read via the other comments,
WOW, I love the way you packed so much
into the post.
Great post.
Go girl!
Mine is here
http://justmeshakirack.blogspot.com/2010/02/100-words-on-overall.html
hugs
shakira
Overall was a good challenge. I liked your description of fast drumming!
That last line really packs a mean left hook.
Supremely well written.
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